Walk through memory lane... or catch up really



"Happiness"

"Official"

 









      

 So I guess I will catch everyone up..This could take a while or it could actually be really fast depending on how open I feel like being.






"Braylee Raegan Stanforth"





"Our Beautiful Mess"

"Homecoming"

"Tank Charles Stanforth"

"Just The Two Of Us"

 

A lot of people remember me as being the "princess" & having the worlds longest (so it felt) relationship with a certain someone (who at this moment will remain just a someone). I was a few days short of 16 when we first met, we had our highs (of course we were young) I was home schooled so I can remember his senior yr like it was my very own.. I anticipated the days we got to see each other (oh the days) He wasn't my first relationship but he was how you say... the most important or the one that f*cked me up the most... It was pretty much perfect in my eyes (back then) for a good few years.. I'll say up until we both turned 20 I was happy he was literally my prince charming.. He walked on water & kissed the ground I walked on.. He made me happy with the little thing gas station flowers,sonic fridays, walks on the beach,cuddles under the stars in the bed of his truck,blowing bubbles ok the little shit basically... it was AMAZING to say the least.. I can remember the exact date time & everything when shit went sour... he was a jealous type & semi controlling, he hated if i got attention from any body but him.. in reality I was finally old enough to realise other guys ( not that any came close to him at that time) just i got along better with guys then girl have my whole life.. I guess when I finally realised i cared too much & let things that shouldn't happen happen was when reality started falling in my face... I got smacked with life probably around when we both started working at a boat place together... I saw what others saw (but denied) when more & more people would realise that the picture wasn't as pretty as we made it... I have to be honest & as hard as it is to admit we had secrets that only us and those who also remain in the dark anonymous knew about... But i still continued to believe things were perfect we did things to hurt each other only because we loved each other.. so totally effing stupid I KNOW.. but basically things came to the surface eventually & it became harder to lie or disguise certain actions & I became sheltered & "weak" (his exact words) Secrets came flying in my face only for me to make excuses & swear they were lies.. until one day i just looked at him & bluntly asked for the truth ... "truth is i love you & you are MINE" but obviously i was his but he wasn't mine...so needless to say it just didn't work out... well i tried my best to maintain a relationship (friendship) with him for the fact & matter we were together forever & he became my best friend...i didn't know how to move on without my best friend... i felt i was just leading him on in some sorts or the relationship we had was completely unhealthy & fake.. sucks to say i can't say i have closure on "us" do i miss him... now a days no not so much.. i hear a song or movie or smell his cologne & my heart hurts... i miss the happiness i had... anyways i wish him true happiness & love & laughter to fill his life... anyways i turned 21 & it was on... I had some relationships after that i am blessed to say i have had the chance to get to know some of them er one of them whom will always remain dear to me... it just wasn't the right time for us... & the others family ... But i learned from them & grew... So now brings us to Michael... I actually met him while i was still... "talking" to him but just met a night out didn't exchange #s nothing danced to a few songs & had a good few drunk bullshit conversations... i won't give play by play cause really it's silly... any way after that night i would run into Michael occasionally nothing to serious but always would make effort to dance at least once & he always had me laughing at his silliness.. well one night i was playing wing man for my partner in crime & we sat together on opposite sides of the couch (totally awkward) talking about absolutely nothing basically... & he made me watch sports center which normally would be fine but when the TV is on mute that can be very lame... anyways after that night we exchanged #s & little texts here & there nothing too fancy... (ok this is boring me lol) after a few months he called me randomly out of the blue & it was my bffs bday so of course we were up to no good & after that we talked through texts, met up at the club a few times & basically caught feelings between there where ever .. he was a blast we had fun together we didn't care what anyone else thought..we laughed until we cried... we did things we shouldn't have TOGETHER .. we made some of THE best memories... we annoyed the fuck out of each other which was perfect... anyhow he got orders to Korea we talked about it & we agreed that it wouldn't be fair to stay together & not be able to enjoy the things we should just because we had ties... BUT we also agreed it wouldn't be fair to just throw our good times away...so we promised to see "what would happen" he left in Feb. 2010 we kept in touch almost everyday... well July 4th 2010 i was down visiting his family when i was sitting around waiting on two pink lines... (i know cliche) but shocked the HELL out of me... Honestly (never told anyone but him this) I was devastated, mad,pissed,sad,scared... alone.... crazy to say because i was surrounded by his family who were overly excited for me & i had a little heartbeat inside me... i was still alone... all the nights i had drunk & careless were gone (selfish i know but i did say i was honest) i didn't finish school, i had just got laid off... i was a mess... on top of that he was tdy flying back to Korea from Alaska so i couldn't even tell him... & when i did he was the biggest jerk ever... (i mean i can't lie if a girl just popped up pregnant when i was gone for four months I'd be a little weary too) but he was just wrong with some of the things he'd say... anyway he came home from mid tour got to feel the belly all good things.. we got hitched & This b*tch got insurance for FREE lol... (joking... really though) things were ok had a few minor issues we had to deal with.. but things were good i missed him when he left & it was hard to see him go not knowing how things would go. Well in Dec. 2010 i gave birth to the most beautiful tiny little baby i have ever seen Braylee Raegan Stanforth (at that time i thought she was made of gold & diamonds she was so perfect) all 6lbs 9oz of her were sitting in my arms... Michael missed the birth but I had 2 ladies i couldn't live without by my side... Life with a newborn changed things real quick i was living with my single mother & younger brother who was still in high school... i felt guilty a lot of the times she would cry & it would be all hours of the night knowing both of them had to wake up & go to work/school... i held a grudge towards Michael things weren't fair WE created this WE should be doing this together... but there i was alone & doing everything i could I am very blessed for such a great family... My mother has not only been my inspiration, but she has been my strength through the hard times & my rock still to this day... & my brother who never once complained but always asked if he could get me anything or would check in on me... i am grateful & i thank God everyday for them...also my extended family & in laws they have all been supportive & giving & kind... well march '11 Michael came back to the states to meet our wonderful hooker & then in Apr we picked up & left to set out to Cali.. I had a very hard time still do on some days i get upset & when we get into arguments i blame him for us having to pick up & leave everything we've ever known for him... he was really supportive in the beginning maybe he felt bad maybe he was just a good guy back then... we added a bulldog to our family & he has been a blessing... now leads us to a few months ago... things were alright i mean we had our days where we shot fire at each other but other days we were fine... I've grown comfortable with Michael... things aren't how they should be & we both KNOW that but neither one of us has ever tried to do other wise... he's not a bad guy it's just he's spoiled... he never had a little baby around that was his responsibility.. he sees me do everything & never questions it.. he does help out on days he feels like it... i guess I've accepted he works for a living so i should be the one taking care of the house & all else... we literally have came to a point where we hate to be around each other... NOT ALL THE TIME but enough... my biggest thing is this.. i grew up without a father... he's out there he is.. but he wasn't in my life like a dad should be... it wasn't fair to me growing up not having him around.. other family members always had his back cause he was a good uncle an awesome uncle at that... he just wasn't there for me... but anyways... i couldn't imagine bray going through some of the things i had to.. I love brad i just know things need to change... because if we keep going through like this we are going to be roommates still in a nursing home... I want Bray to grow up & see what love is & what it's supposed to be. I don't want her to have the views on marriage like i did/do... i want a happy wife happy life sorta thing... I know no body's relationship nor marriage is perfect... but those who can stand up & say they are happy to be married & be with that one person for EVER i want that... that's asking for a lot i know... but that's just that... i know I myself can live with out Michael but i could never take that from Bray... like i said she deserves a good childhood & happy memories... i owe her that to say the least... but she deserves to be happy & to see US happy.. together... well we will see huh :) this is way too long so until next time Bloggettes...