The "C" Word.

I don't even know how or where or what to start with. I thought this would be easy. or easier, For starters I guess I will fill you in. Last month my Bradley was complaining of soreness in his man parts area, he scheduled himself an apt on base Dr.___ didn't even check his boys just looked at him said possible bruising come back if you need anything. so a month went on & his pain got more intense last week he was in enough pain to let me schedule him another apt that was Thursday. he went in at 8 the checked him & sent him to get a ultrasound immediately they sent him off base to a urologist. the urologist took a look sat down with us 3 & told us the basics he was going in for surgery the next day for possibility of massed cells. Well we all know surgery wouldn't come if it wasn't serious. Friday morning came along & we were sitting in outpatient care for him to give up one of his boys. After surgery Dr.B talks to us & told us about the  "C" word. They would send it off to be checked out. Sent us home & that was that. Tuesday we go in for a check up hoping to hear results. Dr.B gives us a heads up & tells us that he glad he got it out when he did BUT he wants to be thorough & ordered him a ct scan. Wednesday we do ct scan. Thursday we go back to hopefully hear results of pathology. He told us he sent it off somewhere else for a "second opinion". Told us good news his tumor markers came back negative :) BUT ct showed the cancer spread. It spread to his lymph nodes. He scheduled him another apt for next week. so here we are. It has happened so fast we haven't had time to breathe. as everyone else's life is still going OURS has flipped upside down. testicular cancer is common. fairly common. & yes fairly treatable if they catch it in time. I have every emotion run through me daily. I can't eat can't sleep can't think can barely function. all while trying to be strong for my husband my daughter & both sides of our family. but inside I'm a big crumbled up mess. To think last Wednesday we were fine happy & "healthy" to today Brad's missing his nut we've had to talk about "what ifs" "funeral service" "bills/ debt" "live in will" & everything between. I honestly can not explain how stressful it is on us. on our marriage and on our day to day routines. I would be lying if I said I have complete trust & faith in the Lord. I have questions every second. I am hanging on barely. While everyone else's life goes on mine is standing still in slow motion. every chance I get to look at his face I stare. When I look at him I think of every fight every single nasty word, every pointless argument, & cant help but feel so guilty. on top of that I can't imagine what he personally is going through to know his life has changed like that. to know he has had his whole lifetime with his man hood to overnight losing it. to know he has a nasty little thing in him that has changed his world that has change his whole life that has jeopardized his career and fatherhood. I can't imagine. and still he stays strong for him mother fathers grandmother aunts & uncles brothers & sister & nieces & friends & peers. He is my hero. point blank. to be told he needs to take it easy for at least 6 weeks. meaning cant lift anything over ten pounds cant run or jump... play with his baby girl. my heart hurts more for him then anything. Cancer has taking so many beautiful beings it terrifies me that my husband my child's father can be ripped out of our lives like that. it's completely different until it happens to you. crazy emotions pour from me every night. I wait til they both are asleep to cry. I don't want to be weak in front of him I can't stop being a mother to my daughter because she doesn't understand. i am pissed he is so young life just started for him, for us...I am pissed at the first Dr who didn't catch this a few months earlier. I am pissed the Dr can't make Brad his number one priority I am pissed the Lord thinks we are strong enough to deal with this I am pissed people are reaching out to us now out of no where. It shouldn't take that to get back in touch. I am pissed people want to pity us & sympathize the situation. I am pissed life still goes on. I'm Broken for him I am broken for my daughter. I am terrified to lose him terrified to have to have a child asking why he is gone & not because he ran off with a sleaze. I am terrified to lose my best friend. I am terrified to see him so sick through chemo. I am proud of him for containing his emotions I am proud of him for being so strong for everyone while he is a mess & in a very scary place inside. I am relieved it's curable but I am terrified to get my hopes up just for it to come crashing down. now I can't help & think I did this to him.... It's a mess. I can't explain in words how many people have made it so much easier for us. The kindness the love the good vibes the prayers all mean so much to us. I want to apologize to my friends who I haven't reached out to & to the people who really truly have things going on. I will never from this point on take a second with my family for granted. all the times he's aggravated me the complaints for me not wanting to sit next to him & watch a movie or the times I let go of his hand too soon or the times I barked demands orders & hateful things at him. I have never been the dependent type. but I am not ready for this I am lost I am confused & I am so very scared. it's hard to keep a clear and positive mind.  well that's enough I've cried my eyes out I've dehydrated myself. Please ladies check your men & kids. men check yourselves play with it as much as you can to familiarize your self. don't be embarrassed don't be shy don't be scared to get checked. there is no such thing as too much <3 Never miss a chance to kiss them a few seconds longer, don't let go to early & admirer as much as you can. you never know how fast your life can change. fall asleep in an uncomfortable way let him play with your freshly glammed up hair let him smear your lip gloss. take those silly pictures, keep the awkward ones too. If there is anything I could do for Michael I would. as crazy as our relationship is. it's not over. He is my world he is my life. the nights he's not around I don't sleep well. the days he doesn't wake me up by kissing me good morning I have a terrible day the days I get a random sweet text I have always cherished it even when I right a smart ass thing back or ignore it. the 30 calls if I don't answer the smell of him the annoying way he blinks the sweet baby face the love he has for us & the respect he gets the goals he has the goofy chuckle he has when he doesn't want to laugh. are all just a few of my favorite things that keep me going day by day. I know he's a fighter I know I couldn't get rid of him if I tried I know he's going to get through this & we will make jokes about it later. I know this because I have FAITH in him. & because he promised he wouldn't leave me. but I will be honest I am scared that I have no control of what the future holds for us.